Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of our own actions

Sydney will not stop raining. It’s gotten so bad, people in Melbourne are smugly sharing photos in t-shirts. The Cave heard someone suggest moving to London to escape the rain. London.

It turns out this isn’t a new phenomenon. Rainfall during the past six years has been the most on record, dating back to 1858. The cause? A climate change-driven shift in winds.

This is just one of many, many consequences of the climate crisis. 

In Mexico, howler monkeys are falling from the trees, exhausted by heatwaves. In Canada, billions of barnacles have baked in tide pools. And around the world, male beetles are shooting blanks, sterilised by soaring temperatures.

Meanwhile, Typhoon Podul hit southern Taiwan and temperatures in the Middle East hit 50 degrees at 80% humidity. 

Britain is on track for its sunniest, hottest year yet. And naturally, being Britain, it has responded by keeping calm and carrying on losing its mind.

First, an oncoming broccoli shortage (along with cauliflower and cabbage) caused a national stir, presumably stoking fears the Brits would have no choice but to finally embrace the USA’s seasonal obsession with pumpkin.   

Next, the Environment Agency suggested people should resolve a drought by deleting old emails and pictures, because “data centres require vast amounts of water to cool their systems”. In a very British riposte, the suggestion was labelled “really, really silly” by one expert.

This is all, of course, an attempt to distract ourselves from the very obvious, very terrifying inevitability of what we’ve been largely avoiding for decades. 

Hoard the broccoli, delete your emails, grab an umbrella. It’s time for the consequences of our own actions.